Getting over an ex isn’t cut and dry like everyone makes us believe. It’s not like you’ll wake up one day, wipe your hands clean, and all the memories of him will disappear. The truth is, if you really loved him, like truly, madly, deeply loved this guy and your heart was bursting at the seams with love for him then that won’t just go away when you break up. It may never end, but it will fade. The yearning for him and the love you shared will most definitely subside, but if he held a piece of your heart at one point then maybe he always will. It will shrink the less you see him and the more you see other people, but if it was real love, then chances are he’ll forever have a piece of you and you know what? That’s okay.
We have grown up in a generation littered with divorce, breakups, and quick flings and when we look around it seems as though everyone is so strong and moves on so quickly. We like to replace our sadness with one-night-stands to ease the pain but do we ever let ourselves heal? As we watch each other rebounding and regrouping with “ease”, it’s no wonder we’re all confused about how to get over a break-up like the rest of the world does.
When a relationship with someone you love ends, it’s obviously not easy. You may feel empowered at first or maybe you’ll spend a week (or month) in the fetal position, feeding your feelings with Ben & Jerry’s. We all deal with breakups in our own way but our hearts heal the same. Our hearts carve out a space for special people and we allow these people to live there. They live within us and they feed our soul. But when that relationship ends and our souls go hungry, the space they called home still exists.
The hard part comes when we try to rent out that space to new people. Instead of accepting that no one will ever be able to fill that specific void, we put a huge FOR RENT sign on our foreheads hoping someone will come along and move in and live there happily ever after. We want so badly to get over that relationship that we start believing that new “renters” are actually perfect fits, when really, you know they’re not. We allow our hearts to become occupied by squatters, graffiti-ed by strangers, and a castle for rats instead of taking ourselves out of the game for a while and polishing our auras before going on the market again.
Why can’t we just learn to accept that a small part of our hearts will always belong to the ones we loved at some point in our lives? Maybe exes all have spaces within our hearts. Maybe our hearts are like apartment buildings, with different suites full of memories from the people who affected us in some way? If you really loved someone at one point in time, why does it have to disappear as though it never existed? This person helped shape you, helped you grow, and in some way helped you get to where you are now. So why do we need to remove and replace the love we had for them instead of moving on and leaving their dwelling vacant of them but filled with memories?
A while back someone told me that “The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference”. It’s being okay with the fact that your relationship is over and being able to move on without him. It’s not caring when your ex gets a new girlfriend and you see them making out in front of you at the mall. But if you really loved another at one point in time, there’s a chance you may always care for that person and it may take a while to be okay seeing him with someone else. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t mean you won’t ever fall in love with someone else and love them even more than you ever believed possible.
The point is, if you’re having a hard time moving on and wondering why it seems so easy for everyone else you need to know that we all have a difficult time when it comes to lost love. When you allow yourself to move on and really love someone else, instead of just trying to shove strangers into the hollow space in your heart, you will notice that those designated, abandoned apartments begin to grow smaller as they make room for fresh love. And when you stop feeling guilty for missing your ex, you’ll start noticing an indifference you couldn’t quite grasp earlier. Once you understand how indifference towards that person feels, you’ll be able to lock the door to that space in your heart, throw away the key, and really focus on yourself and new relationships that come your way.
Just give yourself time to heal and know that you’re not a horrible person if you think of your ex from time to time. Eventually, you’ll find someone who moves into your apartment building of a heart and takes up residency in the large, beautiful loft with chandeliers and a rooftop terrace. When you find a love that is worthy of such a suite, you won’t miss that shoddy space in your heart where memories of your ex will always reside. As with everything in life, time heals all and good houses don’t come cheap.
Good luck mending your apartment style heart,
The Love Hawk