I’ll admit that, until recently, the picture perfect life has always appealed to me. Growing up I yearned for that strong relationship, that wonderful marriage, that white picket fence. I wanted my own little family and I wanted it to happen in the perfect sequence but now, as I have come to realize, the only important part of that equation is a strong relationship. With myself.
Picket fences can fall down, marriages can fail, and sequence is a made-up societal standard that forces us to feel bad for not hitting certain milestones by a specific age. Fuck it. I have come to terms with being single, not because I can’t find a good guy but because I don’t want A good guy. I want THE good guy and I’m not going to settle for someone who is just nice to me, when I want so much more.
I want passion and butterflies. Everyone says these things fade overtime but if it’s the right person that spark will never fully diminish. That feeling of knowing you’re with the right person even on hard days when you might question your relationship. I want companionship and teamwork. I want someone who I feel lucky to have and who feels just as lucky to have me. I want someone who is more appealing than being alone, because right now, I’m kinda enjoying it.
Instead, I am working on being the best version of myself I can be. I am gaining strength by growing a backbone and I am finding confidence in the silences I allow into my daily routine. I am focused, I am driven, and I am happy.
I am happy because I have found that sweet spot in life where I don’t give a shit what stage I am at. I no longer stress about marriage (because truth be told it’s really not important to me anymore). I no longer worry about having kids (I’d like to have them one day but right now I just love my sleep and independence a bit too much). I no longer care that I don’t own a beautiful new-build on a cute street in suburbia (because without that mortgage payment I have some money left over at the end of the month to save or spend or hide away in a cookie jar).
I have finally realized that life isn’t about hitting goals but instead, about finding happiness. Real happiness. Not that fake, manufactured, ‘I have to follow the next step because that’s just how life works’ kind of happiness. Some people I know have followed their sequence and it led them to a wonderful life and that is great as well. I’m not here to rip on sequences or happy relationships, but instead to realize that for some people order is just not in the stars.
But just because sometimes the order gets out of order, that doesn’t mean happiness needs to disappear. My hope is that as I build myself up and become a better me, life will lead me to the right guy who may also be in the process of soul searching at this very moment. I hope to find that love and that unity with someone but if it means being patient right now then so be it. So be it if I need to be better first, in order to attract the type of man I am seeking as an addition to my life. An addition instead of a completion, because the only person than can truly make my life complete is me.
In the meantime, I’ll keep working on myself and perusing my options. I’m happy spending Friday night on the couch watching Dateline or attending my friends’ weddings solo. I refuse to settle with someone who is nice just because I think he can complete my sequence. Instead I will be alone until I find someone who turns my world upside down in the best way possible, who undoes any order, who makes me laugh all the time, and especially someone who has found his own happiness and inner peace. Until then, I am happy being single and that is why I don’t need to settle.